Not So Free Radicals

Public health bosses came under fire yesterday after revealing plans to impose further restrictions on free radicals.

Campaigners from a pressure group calling themselves the “Radicals” were reported to be “reacting badly”. Several arrests were made following a ruckus outside the Department of Health in London.

Free radicals enjoyed complete anonymity until the twentieth century, when in 1900, Moses Gomberg discovered the first group in the small Welsh town of Triphenylmethyl. However their existence was never hampered by health officials until the nineties, when it came to light that the free roaming species were causing untold damage to cells.

Free radicals soon found themselves subject to all manner of schemes to stifle their movements, such that their “free” status began to be called into question.

In 2000, the Radicals was formed with a view to salvaging the few rights that radicals had left. Their high profile anti-antioxidant stance has since caused widespread havoc in the marketing departments of various food and beverage manufacturers, including those responsible for health messages on some green tea and cranberry juice packaging.

Those present at the fray said chiefs were still adamant the changes would go ahead. One was heard to comment in response to taunts from Radicals, “Who was it that stood up and declared that all radicals should be free anyway?”

The opposition group’s notorious leader, Ivor Rumblebottom, condemned the arrests, saying that the Radicals were acting to “end the discrimination”.