Gnomes In Crisis

The gnome population of Britain is in crisis according to a new report published exclusively in the Null. If nothing is done, the report's authors warn, gnomes could vanish from the British countryside all together.

"Having enjoyed relative protection and prosperity for the last two hundred years, the UK gnome population is in freefall," says Holly Larchlike, one of the scientists involved. "We are calling for urgent action to protect these helpless, rosy-cheeked denizens of Middle England."

How gnome numbers have crashed in recent times
Click image to enlarge

One of the most significant threats to the gnomes is the rapid rise in popularity of garden decking. Known as the Groundforce Effect, vast expanses of domestic decking are limiting the amount of space left in gardens.

"There has to be a concerted effort to increase gnomeland security," continues Larchlike, who looks much like a gnome herself. "They carry out many important garden functions, yet in the current climate, gnomes receive no legal protection or aid. They don't even receive fishing rod subsidies anymore."

"We hope this report will highlight the plight of a much loved, and greatly under-rated garden figure."

Download the report (pdf) here

If you feel strongly about the protection of gnomes, we urge you to write to your MP asking them to support an EU directive to place all gnomes under the protection of the Pope.

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