Two Left Feet
By Marcos Palantino
State Ballet Research Group, St. Petersburg, Russia.
At last, I have come up with the perfect excuse not to have to go dancing every Thursday. In a modern world full of silicon breasts and fake tans, I have been working on a clone of my left foot, and I can now reveal to the world my wonderful genetic skills.
So far, walking has proved slightly awkward, and I am doing a lot of things in circles, but that is only to be expected in the early months after transplantation. Buying shoes has been annoying, I have to buy two pairs of my favourite slip-ons and give the others away to one-right-footed people - a thankless task. Balance is also something I need to work on, and my army career is now on hold because I seem to get left behind on long walks, the “left, right, left, right…” walking drill just confuses me now.
I still think there is a lot of potential here though, for one, I could have provided the answer to England’s left-sided midfield problem during the 2006 World Cup. Sven - you should have picked me!
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