Bears to be retrained
A radical solution has been proposed to help polar bears in the face of the growing threat caused by global warming. The Dutch organisation Conservation Beyond Borders has called for all polar bears to be retrained – as brown bears.
Increasing global temperatures are causing polar ice caps to melt at an unprecedented rate, breaking up the polar bears’ natural habitat and making it increasingly difficult for them to hunt seals. With the future looking bleak, Conservation Beyond Borders want to take drastic action.
“It may only be 50 years before there is no ice left at the North Pole.” said project leader Wim von Plonk, “These bears will need our help to adapt to their new world. Areas that are currently very unproductive, such as large tracts of Canadian and Siberian tundra, will become much better habitat as they warm up. There will be many new opportunities for polar bears to diversify and find new homes away from the poles. They are just going to have to redefine their role in the modern community”
The proposals include issuing every polar bear with a kit designed by British survival guru Ray Mears. The kit will contain a guide to making a safe and cosy hibernation den out of twigs and bracken as well as a scratch and sniff chart of edible fruits and berries.
“Polar bears currently are completely carnivorous, we will be appealing to them to start eating less red meat and take on a healthier diet” continued Mr von Plonk, “for the bears to be able to adapt to their new surroundings they are going to have to be in tip-top condition. A more balanced diet will lower cholesterol levels and help the bears achieve the slim-line figure that they will need to survive in the competitive environment of the 21st century.”
Conservation Beyond Borders will also be regularly supplying the bears with specialised wallows containing Just For Men “Brunette Bruiser” hair dye. “We hope that the bears will jump at the chance to take on this new role” urged CBB Chief Executive Ruud Boosters. “We know that polar bears are very adaptable creatures” he said, citing the example of Björn Søftstrôm who emigrated to Hawaii over fifteen years ago and now has a fledgling entertainment career, most recently making several cameo appearances in the popular TV series, Lost. “Bjõrn should be an inspiration to polar bears worldwide” claimed Boosters.
Not all conservationists are convinced by the plans, however. “Conservation Beyond Borders have always been somewhat crackpot” said Hilary Snort, spokesperson for Milton Keynes-based organisation GreenFriends. “We were most unconvinced by their, ultimately shambolic, attempts to retrain golden lion tamarins as bats by issuing them with tiny hang-gliders. Now these latest plans are simply conservation beyond reason.”
CBB are due to unveil their plans to an international committee of governmental environmental agencies in the hopes of raising the $73 million dollars they estimate it will cost to carry out the plan.
Increasing global temperatures are causing polar ice caps to melt at an unprecedented rate, breaking up the polar bears’ natural habitat and making it increasingly difficult for them to hunt seals. With the future looking bleak, Conservation Beyond Borders want to take drastic action.
“It may only be 50 years before there is no ice left at the North Pole.” said project leader Wim von Plonk, “These bears will need our help to adapt to their new world. Areas that are currently very unproductive, such as large tracts of Canadian and Siberian tundra, will become much better habitat as they warm up. There will be many new opportunities for polar bears to diversify and find new homes away from the poles. They are just going to have to redefine their role in the modern community”
The proposals include issuing every polar bear with a kit designed by British survival guru Ray Mears. The kit will contain a guide to making a safe and cosy hibernation den out of twigs and bracken as well as a scratch and sniff chart of edible fruits and berries.
“Polar bears currently are completely carnivorous, we will be appealing to them to start eating less red meat and take on a healthier diet” continued Mr von Plonk, “for the bears to be able to adapt to their new surroundings they are going to have to be in tip-top condition. A more balanced diet will lower cholesterol levels and help the bears achieve the slim-line figure that they will need to survive in the competitive environment of the 21st century.”
Conservation Beyond Borders will also be regularly supplying the bears with specialised wallows containing Just For Men “Brunette Bruiser” hair dye. “We hope that the bears will jump at the chance to take on this new role” urged CBB Chief Executive Ruud Boosters. “We know that polar bears are very adaptable creatures” he said, citing the example of Björn Søftstrôm who emigrated to Hawaii over fifteen years ago and now has a fledgling entertainment career, most recently making several cameo appearances in the popular TV series, Lost. “Bjõrn should be an inspiration to polar bears worldwide” claimed Boosters.
Not all conservationists are convinced by the plans, however. “Conservation Beyond Borders have always been somewhat crackpot” said Hilary Snort, spokesperson for Milton Keynes-based organisation GreenFriends. “We were most unconvinced by their, ultimately shambolic, attempts to retrain golden lion tamarins as bats by issuing them with tiny hang-gliders. Now these latest plans are simply conservation beyond reason.”
CBB are due to unveil their plans to an international committee of governmental environmental agencies in the hopes of raising the $73 million dollars they estimate it will cost to carry out the plan.
Image: Terence O'Brien
Share this
