The Other Lab: Flying Whales

By Richard Bond

"Two British scientists want to fly up to 50 ‘spare’ whales from America and release them into the Irish Sea between Britain and Ireland. “Providing the whales are kept moist at all times they are more than capable of surviving the long haul flight.””
From: University of Central Lancashire Press Release, 19th July 2005.

Easygo Airways, how can I help you?

Good morning. I’d like to book two tickets please.

Certainly

It’s to fly two whales.

To Wales? No problem. That’s Cardiff I assume?

What?

Two tickets to Cardiff?

No, no, not to Wales. Two whales.

What?

You know, whales, big sea creatures.

Whales?

Yes, whales. I want to fly two whales. To Manchester actually.

Two whales?

Yes. Gray whales in fact.

And how big are these gray whales exactly?

Well, they’re not small.

I should imagine not.

About 40 tonnes and 50 foot long. Something like that. I think a couple of large tanks might do the trick.

Tanks?

Yes.

Would those be Shermans or Chieftains?

What?

Sherman or Chieftain tanks?

No, not tanks, tanks. You know, big containers for keeping things in.

What, like fish?

Exactly. And whales.

Two large tanks for two gray whales?

Oh, and they have to be kept moist at all times.

Moist?

Yes.

Well we do provide drinks of course.

That’s not quite what I meant.

I’m sure it wasn’t. To be honest sir, I think we’re talking cargo rather than passenger aren’t we?

Good point. Can you put me through to cargo?

I would be delighted. Please hold the line. [pause] Hi George, it’s Mandy in passenger. I’ve got a call for you. This guy wants to fly two Chieftain tanks to Cardiff. Oh, and they have to kept moist for some reason. I’ll put him through……good luck.

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