Gunning for the girls...
Hannah Isom
It seems that no matter how many advances are made towards gender equality, there are just some things that are destined to divide the sexes. Take the simple matter of conversing with the opposite sex. Why is it that for us girls, getting men to understand what we are saying is an endless uphill struggle? I mean let’s face it - we may as well be speaking Venusian to a Martian.
Any female reader will instantly know what I am talking about. Is it simply that men don’t listen? Are their brains genetically programmed to block out voices above a certain pitch?
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I think I have nailed the problem into three main categories of miscommunication: inability to hear, inability to interpret and inability to remember.
First of all is the general attack of deafness that men seem to contract as soon as a woman starts to speak. How many times have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about a really lovely handbag that you’re had your eye on, and been entirely deflated on Christmas morning when you open yet another Will Farrel DVD and a home-made coupon for a whole night of “good-lovin’”? Why is it that when a baby starts crying in the middle of the night, men suddenly fall victim to an intense bout of sleeping sickness rendering them unwakable, and leaving the midnight feed up to their female counterparts?
Then there’s the minefield of misinterpretation between what women say and what men hear. If for example you’ve been seeing a guy for a few months and you happen to utter those dreaded three words: “I love you”, all they hear is “I think we should get married, tomorrow”.
When he’s off on his ‘lad’s’ night in town and you make a polite request that he doesn’t get too drunk, or make too much noise when he comes in, why does he take it as a request to stagger in at 4.00am, singing Come on Eileen at the top of his lungs and smelling strongly of kebabs?
Finally, if men do manage to navigate the difficulties of listening and comprehending what we wenches are saying, their leaky grey matter seems to loose the information almost as quickly as it entered.
And if, miraculously, they do remember to pick up a bag of cat litter on their way home, or run the hoover round the living room, they triumphantly await their medal for services to society like an over-eager puppy that has just learned not to poo on the carpet.
There are many theories for this breakdown in communication. A study published back in 2000 found that men only listen with half of their brains, which could go some way to explaining why they only capture half of the information.
The study in 20 men and 20 women found that men listen to conversations with the left half of their brain, whereas women use the whole lot – proving another well-known fact, that women are a lot better at multitasking.
Personally, I believe it all begins in childhood. Those endless summer evenings playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Gaz from down the street, arguing about which one gets to be the one with the nunchucks, while mother stands at the top of the drive in her nightie, calling him to come in for bathtime. The young whippersnapper will first ignore, and then later claim he couldn’t hear her. Eventually, each develops the technique that most men seem to have down to a fine art – ‘zoning out’.
The ability to zone out is quite extraordinary, as if the male brain enters a form of temporary hibernation. And it’s a skill reserved solely for the female frequency.
Think about it – no matter how many environmental distractions there are, when was the last time a guy ‘missed’ the football scores on the news, or zoned-out to Jeremy Clarkson gushing over the latest babe magnet on Top Gear?
What it is about the female tone that results in this phenomenon is hard to put your finger on. Is it that they just don’t like to listen, or that they don’t like listening to women?
Could it be that the male population is so terrified of increasingly emancipated women taking over the world, that they have decided that ignorance really is bliss? It’s hard to say – and even harder to know how to tackle the problem. I think it may all be down to holding their attention.
So ladies, next time you catch your man zoning-out, try dropping the word "breasts" or "off-side" into the conversation at random intervals – it may just do the trick.
More from Hannah on her page.
And in a similar vein:
Why women should work less
Men are from Mars
What men would give for luscious locks
Wee research for wee boys
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