Coked Cash Makes You Ill
By Neal Anthwal
New research suggests drug users may be getting more than a hit of Charlie from their lines. Scientists from the University of Geneva have found that the flu virus can survive between a few hours and several days on bank note.The Null previously reported that almost 95% of Spanish bank notes have been used to nasally self administer cocaine. Now it seems that those nefarious substance abusers are risking a runny nose as well as addiction and a damaged septum.
The research, carried out by Yves Thomas and colleagues, was commissioned by a Swiss bank, perhaps concerned that their hot shot Gordon Gekkos are burning out with their work hard, play harder lifestyles. (I’m afraid my view of the banking sector is rather based on the 1980s).
Snorting the virus is a shortcut to a few days off work - much more efficient than having people sneeze on you. In fact, if one were designing a system to administer the flu virus, snorting it up the nose would be a pretty darn good suggestion. That way, the virus can get direct access to your mucus membranes, where it can do its dastardly business, tricking your cells into producing more viruses and making you feel completely rotten.
Thomas' work suggests that most viruses tend to survive only for a few hours. You might say, “No problem here. I only ever insert a 100 dollar bill into my nostril when I’m in the toilets of Manhattan’s finest night clubs. Then I go and dance to some Duran Duran and seduce a woman with unfeasibly large shoulder pads by showing her my filo-fax." Surely by the time that note meets someone else's nose, any viruses lurking in my snout will have met a sticky end? Not necessarily.
The new research suggests that under certain circumstances, viruses can last longer. These certain circumstances are when the virus is mixed with human mucus, of which there is fair amount of up the average nose. This can then
sustain the virus for over two weeks, in which time the notes could have been in umpteen wallets and up umpteen noses. No wonder cokeheads always have the sniffles.Neal has spent the last few days stuffing bank notes up his nose in the hope of getting a week off work. No luck so far.
Other funny stuff about noses:
- Odd - Nose jelly to stop diseases
- Sci-fi - Electronic hooters
- What's that smell? - Eau de phone by Motorola
- Urgh that stinks - Eau d'Estuary
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Image: Josh Armstrong
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