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Finding The Joy Of Spam

Finding The Joy Of Spam

By John Bolton

Email. In equal measures the greatest invention of the modern world and the bane of our existence. Especially spam. Here I am referring not to the meaty snack, but to the endless droves of emails the internet vomits into our inboxes.

Offers of free this and bigger that. In the interests of science, I have taken it upon myself to conduct an experiment. It will take a week. This experiment will, perhaps, lead to a better, thinner, poorer life.

Rather than delete spam, I shall buy as many spam products as I can. It will be a rocky road, but I am confident I will emerge a more rounded, healthier individual. Join me. And maybe lend me a few quid on the way, yeah?

Register for Null Hypothesis, the Journal of Unlikely Science

Day One
An exciting and encouraging start to the experiment. The thoughtful people at RocketMouse.com offered me the new Rocketmouse (which "may help relieve arm, wrist, and back pain associated with poor posture, arthritis, RSI, and carpal tunnel syndrome") at the rock bottom price of $29.95. I can't risk those afflictions, so I've ordered two. One for home, one for work. Royalmeds.com offered me Viagra for just $7 per dose! Absolute bargain. Sadly the minimum order quantity for 100mg dosages comes to $159.50, but what the hell.

Day Two
Apparently "Millions of Americans know about the intense fat-burning power of Inferno2". You can't argue with millions of Americans, can you? It's the "discreet packaging" that sways me to buy yet more Viagra, this time from e-scripts-MD.com. And there's a sale! One hundred milligrams for just $120? I can't say no. A second mailing from PetCarerx.com leads me to suspect I'm not taking proper care of my bunnies. Why else would they contact me twice? Clearly dog chews aren't the answer here. I make the sensible decision to order some bottles of 8 in1 Guinea Pig/Rabbit Vitasol. Whatever that means.

Day Three
We kick off with another chance to buy myself some Inferno2. I'm a little keener today after reading this tremendous testimonial; "… if you are eating too much and gaining pounds as a result, you just have to eat less." That's from John T in Iowa. Perhaps you know him. Anyway, at just $19.95 for another monthly supply, I can't resist. Wouldn't want to be a lard arse like John T. I'm fascinated by the claims made by a nameless company with an apparently nameless product. Apparently it can improve my memory by 62% and my muscle strength by 88%. So, in theory, I stand to be nearly twice as strong as I am, and with the ability to remember nearly two-thirds as much information as I can now. That's quite a claim. I'm dubious of the fact Charles Bronson uses it to keep his youthful looks. I can think of nobody that looks as old (or, frankly, as dead) as he. I can get a month's supply free! FREE! Well…when they say "Absolutely Free!" they mean that it costs $79.95. You can see how I'd get confused. I order. After all, it's free. Androstenone can, I'm told, attract the opposite sex. It's a "revolutionary new men's cologne that contains genuine human sex pheromones! Now you can be more popular with women than you ever thought possible!" Sounds good to me. $36.95 buys me a month's supply, which I'll use to attract a month's worth of women. I'll soon be a sex God. Hurrah for me. And the ladies, of course. Ah, the ladies.

Day Four
School friends I've never heard of invited me to check out the sordid web cams of similarly unremembered individuals. And, of course, it was free for a price. EveryDayOffers offered (on just the one day) me a product that would first "STOP THE AGING PROCESS!" and later, less excitedly vowed to try to at least "SLOW YOUR AGING PROCESS!" Sounds good. Tremendous Buys offer me a shower that promises to be "the best shower of my life". I ponder momentarily how Katie Melua and Charlotte Church would even fit in my shower given that I barely fit in there myself. It's only $29.95 and will, apparently, slow the aging process.
Day Five
I'm promised hot teens and porn absolutely free, and that I'll never have to pay anything ever. The bloody link doesn't work. Not that I tried it. But hey! I've won a valuable Casio prize! It turns out to be a shit little digital watch.

Day Six
"Want a big penis?" asks Doctor Henderson. Not a horrible high school flashback, rather an exciting opportunity from Maxaman to be hung like a stallion for just $259.95. That buys me 6 bottles of Maxaman. "Paying too much for ammo?" asks Kiesler's. I'm not sure I am, to be honest. Mentabo is a weight-loss patch. Yes, a patch. Not a diet or a pill. A patch. I mean, that's fantastic, isn't it? It will help me "loose weight" (interesting, considering that makes no sense) and is only $359.40 for a year's supply. More mailings from the company that can increase my memory without needing to add lumps of grey matter to my brain through painful and intrusive surgery. I can't face buying any more from them.

Day Seven
Got an email off Cupid today! You know Cupid - Roman mythology, son of Venus. His mum is the goddess of love. Fell in love with Psyche and could only visit her at night. Anyway, it seems Cupid is now running an online dating service. How the mighty have fallen.

Got a letter from the bank this morning.

John Bolton's bank account was closed at 9.14am yesterday morning. He was unavailable for comment. He is currently being held in a secure unit at Exeter General Hospital and is awaiting evaluation. His case worker, Miriam Taylor, said, "John is doing fine and should be out in days." It is not yet known how he got hold of a credit card.

To read more about John or to view more of his articles click here

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05 May 2009
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