Dumbed Up Science
Real headlines, no research. Scanning the science news, Tabitha Lloyd gives a simple interpretation for the lay person – without having necessarily bothered to read the article first.
Dust in West Up 500%
The world economy has taken another big blow today with the news that dust prices have risen by five times in the last year. Economists claim that the over-harvesting of dust crops in the Northern Africa, coupled with the continuing conflict in the Middle East, has led to a shortage in supply. The news has been greeted with despair by the dust trade, with one major exporter claiming, “We’re all screwed.” (Actual story)
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| Brains: 'Helping' police with their enquiries. |
Rising levels of teenage violence and yob culture have been blamed on an unlikely source in a new report: a puppet from the hit 1960s TV series, Thunderbirds. New acoustic analysis of the show has revealed that the Tracy family’s resident genius, Brains, preached subliminal messages of hate against Western Society at a frequency that only children and teenagers could hear. Brains, real name Richard Reid, is currently helping police with their enquiries. An official police spokesman said, “This was not just a one man operation, we believe Al Qaeda could have been pulling the strings.” (Actual story)
Pancake prevents collapse
Successful human societies are based on pancakes, a new report suggests. Studying factors which cause the decline and ultimate collapse of civilizations, anthropologists from Grubby College, Alberta, have found that civilisations which eat pancakes are more stable. “Somalia – no pancakes. East Timor – no pancakes. Zimbabwe – no pancakes,” said lead researcher Professor Tanking Crushnut. “Compare those with Canada. Canadians eat lots of pancakes. Are they is societal meltdown? I think not.” (Actual story)
Gas Releases Helped End Ice AgesAlthough it has long been considered socially inappropriate it now seems that natural gas release could have helped end the ice ages, bringing our planet to the balmy state it is now in. Scientists believe that early hunter-gatherers, particularly young males, may have played a significant part in temperature increases 10,000 years ago. New archaeological evidence suggests that early men competed for the womenfolk in year-long contests of extreme flatulence. Aided by a rich diet of red meat and beans, men would try and force their rival into submission using their potent stench – a competition known as cave trumping. (Actual story)
More strange news from the Null:
- Cool - Woman gives birth to rabbit
- Lovely - Climate chaos solved again
- Sad - Scientists in ark disaster
- That'll teach it - Sun to be destroyed
Concept: Shamini Bundell; Title image: Michel Collot
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