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Meet The Fakers

Meet The Fakers

By Andy Impey

If the rumours are true and little green men have indeed visited planet Earth, they will no doubt have rushed home to their own galaxy far far away and regaled stories of little orange women. I’m referring of course to exponents of the fake tan.

But this modern day obsession with impersonating a bi-pedal pumpkin is now threatened by a damning new report from the Far East.

Japan is famous for its Ganguro girls who spend hours in-front of the mirror perfecting that ‘just fallen over in some mud’ look. However, in the late 90s the Japanese government uncovered strong anecdotal evidence that fake tanning lotion was associated with weight gain. They cited blocked pores and water retention as the two factors driving the burgeoning blubber.

By a stroke of good fortune, these results were published at the start of the whaling season. The Japanese government promptly ordered an increase in the whale quota to provide non-human subjects for vital studies of the fake tan phenomenon.

The whaling fleets specifically targeted beluga whales because of their pasty white complexion. Once captured alive, the animals were returned to the lab to undergo tests. They were exposed to hourly spray treatments of the very latest waterproof fake tan and fed their natural diet of caviar.



The whales’ weights were routinely monitored over the eight-year study and the results are akin to whale meat itself in being particularly hard to swallow. In 100% of cases, the whales increased in biomass and in two extreme cases the whales actually exploded.

Dr Yako Moony, head of the research project, made his feelings very clear at a hastily arranged news conference this week. “This is awful”, said Dr Moony. A man of few words he may be, but we can only speculate as to the severity of his findings.

The billion dollar bronzing industry now faces an uncertain future as it fights to retain its loyal customers.

If you are worried that you may be too orange or if you feel that the sun is making you feel a little fat, there is a helpline that has been set up to answer your questions. Calls are charged at £1 per second and half of this money goes to Greenpeace’s ‘Save the Whale’ campaign.

Tan-tastic? Try these:

- News - Science of beautiful
- Spoof - More concerns for whales
- News - Chinese tanning
- Straight - Girls and orange juice...

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29 Jul 2009
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