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Hell And High Water

Hell And High Water

By Tom Payani

Today God has reacted angrily to the proposed CO2 cuts promised by Lucifer. A spokesperson from Heaven stated: “God is not happy at all” I saw him this morning and his Holiness looked like he was not in a very forgiving mood.

The spokesperson continued, “God feels he has attempted to build up a very ecological reputation in heaven, and now through a blatant publicity stunt Satan tries to steal his thunder by claiming to cut his carbon emissions. (Hell to cut CO2 emissions)

Heaven claims Hell are trying to gain support from the UN due to recent criticism regarding their Human rights record. “This is typical of Lucifer. I bet he’s loving it. Anything to get one over on his Holiness. Our environmental department work all hours God gives and it’s a well-known fact that our Hellish counterparts are always on ‘work-associated’ jaunts to Blackpool.

“If you exclude Singapore, then Heaven is the most eco-friendly metropolis that we know of"
PM Gordon Brown, who was taking time out of his busy schedule designing the new national ID cards stated, “God needs to understand that in this politically unstable climate, coupled with the war on terror we all need to work together, and that includes God and Satan.

London and Washington are concerned that these tensions will affect the promises made by Heaven and Hell. It is difficult to know how this sensitive issue will be resolved but there have been rumours that Al Gore will be ‘sacrificed’ from his time on Earth to initiate ‘smoothing-out’ talks between the two leaders and their representatives.

God’s record regarding carbon emissions is immaculate and Heaven is meeting every target set from the Kyoto agreement. Heaven’s excellent tram and recycling systems are examples of God’s impetus to be a step ahead of ‘down below’.

God has famously stated, “If you exclude Singapore, then Heaven is the most eco-friendly metropolis that we know of, whereas Hell only just finished above Stoke.”

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17 Mar 2009
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