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The UK To Use Clone Army

The UK To Use Clone Army

In an astonishing move, the UK government has elected to give human cloning the go-ahead to help solve their Army recruitment crisis.

Last week the Ministry of Defence announced that the maximum age of Army recruits would rise from 26 to 33. But, rather than having to rely on the public for support, the radical decision has been made to enlist the help of genetic scientists to speed up the process.

Retired Army General Sir Mike Phillips proposed the idea to a team of Government and Army officials at a recruitment meeting last Thursday. “It makes sense to create an Army of willing volunteers ourselves, rather than having to wait for the public to make up the numbers”, said the General.

“The Army wanted a 25% increase in numbers by 2025, but by doing it this way, we can start now and have a crack force of troops trained up and ready for action by the same date”, added Professor Wood, the brains behind the cloning scheme.

Although highly controversial, the ability to clone has increased considerably over the last few years, and scientists are confident of achieving their goal in this project. “We can imprint them to have no fear, follow orders and live off the land, as well as have gentlemanly manners and first class fighting skills”, stated Wood.

Naturally, human rights groups are up in arms about the plans, calling them a ‘stake through the heart of human evolution’. “I can only hope the people involved wake up and see what they have done before it’s too late”, said Rudolph Scott, a spokesperson for the group ‘Genes ‘R’ Us”. “This could be the end of humankind as we know it.”

The Opposition Defence Minister was slightly less melodramatic, and called for calm. “It doesn’t seem as though the Government are making a complete error”, he said, artfully dodging a question that hadn’t even been asked.

“However, the real issue here is how the current administration is not utilising the full economic potential of this break-through. Just imagine how many more of these new fighting machines a Conservative government would sell to the world’s most oppressive regimes.”

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Image: Michal Zacharzewski

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26 Jul 2009
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