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An Injection Of Knowledge

An Injection Of Knowledge

By Riaz Bhunnoo

Government scientists today unveiled a revolutionary injection that has the power to instil knowledge within the human brain. The injection is being hailed as a breakthrough in nanotechnology, and initial data has shown that the entire scientific knowledge of an educated 16 year-old can be supplied in only three injections.

The process utilises nanobots – minuscule robots invisible to the naked eye
which hold vast quantities of information on minuscule hard drive. Each of the three injections has the potential to release millions of nanobots into the brain, thereby leading to a massive boost in knowledge. Once they are in place it takes just under 48 hours for the knowledge transfer to occur, assuming the nanobots don’t crash. As with computers, crashing is a possibility but this can be solved by simply banging your head against a brick wall.

The knowledge transfer involves the conversion of electrical signals to chemical signals, and is powered by the brain energy drink Lucozade. During the process, the nanobots can generate a lot of heat potentially resulting in a condition termed ‘hot-headedness’. Hot-heads can however cool down by scoffing copious amounts of ice-cream to induce brain freeze.

In a world where knowledge is power, the government has clearly taken the initiative to ensure the UK is at the forefront of knowledge-based economies. The research has so far focused on ‘science’ nanobots, given the shortages of skilled workers in a number of key scientific fields. It is envisaged that work will soon progress onto the arts.

Chief Government nanoscientist, Professor Percy Vere, who has been working on this project for 15 years, said: “I am absolutely overjoyed with the results. This discovery will seed further innovation through knowledge provision, so once I’ve been injected with the latest nanobots, I’ll have the knowledge to dominate the world [in the field of nanotechnology].”

How the Data-Jab Works
Click image to enlarge.
Despite the ground-breaking nature of this discovery, the findings have been met with strong scepticism. Ron McDonald, a fine arts student from Winchester, claims that the government has a hidden agenda: “It seems a little too convenient that they started with science nanobots – surely the arts are just as important? I’m worried the government are trying to produce a nation of science-literate clones. Also, once the nanobots are in the brain, who’s to say they won’t be controlled remotely by those in power for brain-washing purposes?”

Meanwhile, analysts have predicted that ‘treated’ children will feel like they’ve completed their studies and may leave education early rather than going to university. Gill McKeefy, from the alternative medicines company PseudoSci Supplements, has suggested a solution to this problem: “With all this extra knowledge, there is a strong need to supply extra oxygen to the child’s brain to keep it focused on education.” She brayed above the audible snickering of scientists who hadn’t bought their doctorates, “I would urge scientists to include a small quantity of chlorophyll inside the nanobot capsule to help oxygenate the brain.”

See Riaz's other articles or find more science that's on the sillier side of life:

- Tasty Tech - Artificial stupidity
- Unusual Units - We're in for a pasting
- Peculiar Plans - Sun to be destroyed
- Where the Foogle? - New search engine

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Title image: Yosia Urip

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22 Sep 2009
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