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Scotland In Whale Bomb Alert

Scotland In Whale Bomb Alert

Security forces in Scotland are said to be on high alert today with the news that a pod of killer whales has been sighted in the Firth of Forth. It is not yet known whether these are real whales, innocently swimming off-course, or whether they are something altogether more sinister.

Rumours have been circulating for the past year that a small terrorist cell from southwest Britain have been attempting to manufacture ocean-going explosives mimicking small whales.

These small terrorists may be allied to Osama bin Laden’s Al Crack-ida network; the Wessex Regionalists – a group seeking home-rule for the southwest region of England – or the military wing of the Campaign Against the Vertically Endowed, a secretive group opposed to rights for tall people.

Confidential sources close to the government told Null Hypothesis that the plots first came to attention of MI5 last year, when a ‘dolphin’ was spotted heading straight for the Houses of Parliament in London. Huge media coverage only heightened the potential for disaster.

Swimming past the Houses of Parliament, the bomb whale could have caused untold damage
The London bomb whale swims past the Houses of Parliament
Fortunately tragedy was averted when government agents, posing as conservationists, moved the device into deeper water and carried out a controlled explosion.

It now seems that the so-called “C4 cetaceans” might be haunting our coastlines with even greater menace this time. Should the killer whales transpire to be bombs, at nine metres long and capable of carrying up to six tons of explosive, they could have the capability to completely destroy Edinburgh and the Forth Bridge in one fell swoop.

“Intelligence services are keeping a very close eye on the whales as we speak”, our source confirmed, “the problem is that bomb whales are highly sophisticated and virtually impossible to distinguish from real whales.”

Special forces agents overpower the London bomb whale
Special forces agents overpower the 'whale' before carrying out a controlled explosion in deeper water
Any move to destroy the whales before proving their origin will cause uproar amongst conservationists wanting to protect real whales the world over from fear and persecution. Also amongst the upset will be any Englishmen hoping to have a good laugh at the Scots’ expense.

For the time being the whales have not been placed under a an immediate death-sentence. “However”, our source said, “should they show any aggressive intent whatsoever, the British government will launch a full-scale military operation to nullify the threat.”

“It might be best to simply destroy these whales anyway on the off-chance. If they turn out to be real animals we can just sell them to the Japanese as a delicacy.”

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Main image: Alfonso Romero

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23 May 2010
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