Pandas Too Lazy: Greens
In an astonishing attack today conservationists working in China have lashed out at giant pandas. The remarks underlining current tensions between conservationists and the biodiversity they are supposed to be protecting.
Despite millions of dollars worth of aid pouring into the few remaining areas where pandas can be bothered to exist, maverick agency Conservation Beyond Borders claim that the herbivorous members of the bear family are just not keeping up their side of the bargain.
"Pandas have received unprecedented amounts of aid in their struggle against extinction", spokesman Xio Ri Dong claimed in a keynote speech to the UN yesterday, "but so far they have shown absolutely no inclination to buck up their ideas."
Mr Ri Dong suggested that much of the aid targeted at improving pandas' living conditions was being used to fund illegal drugs operations. He claimed pandas were manufacturing large quantities of a substance known locally as wham-bam from bamboo resin.
"They seem content to sit around all day, whacked out of their brains on wham-bam. It's a disgrace that well-meaning humans should have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Conservationists the world over are finding their best efforts thwarted by ungrateful animals", he continued.
"Just last month one of our Cameroon branch organised, at great expense, a morale-boosting party for Northern white rhinos, yet only seven could be bothered to show up. Hundreds of seats went empty and thousands of dollars worth of the public’s money was wasted when the beluga caviar spoiled in the heat."
Today, however, the pandas have struck back at Mr Ri Dong's claims. A statement released only a few hours ago read:
"It is inevitable that pandas are becoming disheartened at the current state of affairs. Bamboo forests are being cleared at an alarming rate and new labour laws excluding pandas from all jobs outside the entertainment industry mean that unemployment is now running at 90%. The majority of pandas just don't want the pressure of entertaining small children in zoos."
"Pandas need the bamboo forests to be replanted so that we can resume our age-old traditions of sleeping, chewing and shooting up in peace. That is the only option."
Talking to the Null, Xio Ri Dong said he doubted he would have time to read the three-page document, but expected it to be full of half-truths and misinformation.
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Despite millions of dollars worth of aid pouring into the few remaining areas where pandas can be bothered to exist, maverick agency Conservation Beyond Borders claim that the herbivorous members of the bear family are just not keeping up their side of the bargain.
"Pandas have received unprecedented amounts of aid in their struggle against extinction", spokesman Xio Ri Dong claimed in a keynote speech to the UN yesterday, "but so far they have shown absolutely no inclination to buck up their ideas."
Mr Ri Dong suggested that much of the aid targeted at improving pandas' living conditions was being used to fund illegal drugs operations. He claimed pandas were manufacturing large quantities of a substance known locally as wham-bam from bamboo resin."They seem content to sit around all day, whacked out of their brains on wham-bam. It's a disgrace that well-meaning humans should have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Conservationists the world over are finding their best efforts thwarted by ungrateful animals", he continued.
"Just last month one of our Cameroon branch organised, at great expense, a morale-boosting party for Northern white rhinos, yet only seven could be bothered to show up. Hundreds of seats went empty and thousands of dollars worth of the public’s money was wasted when the beluga caviar spoiled in the heat."
Today, however, the pandas have struck back at Mr Ri Dong's claims. A statement released only a few hours ago read:
"It is inevitable that pandas are becoming disheartened at the current state of affairs. Bamboo forests are being cleared at an alarming rate and new labour laws excluding pandas from all jobs outside the entertainment industry mean that unemployment is now running at 90%. The majority of pandas just don't want the pressure of entertaining small children in zoos."
"Pandas need the bamboo forests to be replanted so that we can resume our age-old traditions of sleeping, chewing and shooting up in peace. That is the only option."
Talking to the Null, Xio Ri Dong said he doubted he would have time to read the three-page document, but expected it to be full of half-truths and misinformation.
More top research from the Null:
- Amazing - First ever investigation of dragon psychology
- Essential - Which biscuit is the best dunker?
- Important - How to write a scientific paper
- Necessary - Do early birds catch the worm?
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