Old Before Their Time
By Mark Steer
Do you ever get the feeling you’re in the wrong job? You slave away, day after day, tapping keys and filing forms, and for what? A measly pittance. Whilst you could be spending three years buggering about in a research institution at the Canadian taxpayers’ expense finding out that teenagers smoke, have sex and do drugs because it makes them feel older.No kidding! That’s what one research group has done.
I’ve half of a mind to get some funding to ask a group of spotty adolescents whether they prefer watching the Simpsons or CNN, just to check we haven’t all been barking up the wrong tree for years in thinking that young people like to enjoy themselves.
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Maybe budding scientists were those of us already mature by the age of twelve. They had no need to go to the park with two litres of White Lightning cider and ten Marlboro menthols for a session of exploratory swearing and explosive sickness. Their thoughts alighted on more cerebral topics than how best to try and put your hand on Nicola Larkin’s knee.
They were already old.
It’s only later in life that we begin to regret what we never did. The concerts we never saw, the games we never played, the knees we never touched. The thought haunts us – what would it have been like?
And maybe there lies our scientists’ fascination with telling the world about the activities of the people they never were. Trying to live those lost years of wilful wantonness through their subjects’ actions.
If this is the case then we should feel for these great paragons of the modern world, battling their own genes and upbringing to try and reach a sense of normality for the first times in their lives.
On the other hand, maybe my musings are all awry. It’s quite possible the research team in question aren’t tortured geniuses at all, but just geniuses. They’ve probably spent the last few years laughing their asses off because they’re getting paid to answer one of the easiest questions ever.
Nice work if you can get it.
Need some obvious research? Try these:
- Obvious - Teens are a bit lazy
- Self evident - Kids like their blankies
- No shit - Drinkers more likely to fall over
- Paint me pink and stick a feather down my trousers - Clothes block out the sun
Image: Ophelia Cherry
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