Sexy Neanderthals

By Alun Salt
School of Archaeology and Ancient History, University of Leicester, UK.

Once again the government has launched a crackdown on yob culture. In the forthcoming year Neanderthal behaviour will not be tolerated, yet little research has been done on why men act as Neanderthals - some people say drink, others say peer-pressure and the influence of the media. One possible reason is that it’s a mating display. But, despite this, the results of archaeological excavations now lead to the inescapable conclusion that Neanderthal men were sexy.

It’s difficult to excavate sexiness. We can’t even find Neanderthal genes in our DNA, as DNA studies suggest that it’s unlikely that Neanderthals have contributed to the modern human gene pool. However, if Neanderthals are our ancestors then they would no doubt have passed on some of their appearance to some of the world’s most desired stars. The average height of a Neanderthal man is thought to have been around 170cm, making them the Tom Cruise of the prehistoric world. In contrast the distinctly unsexy John Travolta is 188cm (Neanderthal women were slightly shorter, a Kylie-sized 155cm). Certainly one could snipe that Neanderthals seem to have been chinless, but in modern humans it’s regarded as a sign of breeding - Neanderthals may have all been members of the aristocracy. They also lived lives of excitement and danger, the bones of Neanderthals have evidence of breaks and dislocations. Neanderthals seemed to have lived life on the edge, sometimes literally.

Evidence of Neanderthal hunting has been discovered at foot of the cliffs of La Cotte de St Brelade in Jersey. It’s all rather sophisticated. Rather than walk up to the nearest mammoth with a club and try to whack it over the head, the Neanderthals worked together to drive mammoths and woolly rhi