Cure For Valentine's Blues
By Hayley Birch
A peculiar but predominantly harmless condition affects certain higher order primates at this time of the year. Seen almost exclusively in human females, the underlying causes have yet to be fully described, but the symptoms may be curiously familiar…
During the last few days of January, the female of the species becomes overly concerned with grooming and spends more and more time locked away with her hair straighteners.
In the first week of February the condition moves into the acute phase, when she starts to lose control over her voluntary nervous system – this is characterised by excessive batting of the eyelids in conjunction with twisting of the hair between the fingers, usually coinciding with male interaction.
The affliction becomes more severe over the following week until the 14th of February, at which point one of two things happens; either the female is rapidly restored to full health, or she takes a turn for the worse, appearing despondent and withdrawing temporarily from society. The latter is usually combined with the sudden ability to consume inconceivably large quantities of chocolate.
And what is this all leading to? Well, in a particularly scant week for unlikely science news, The Null hunted around and dug up the world’s most bizarre Valentine’s blues cure.
Recommended as the perfect gift for a loved one, the “Pat Says Now” diamond encrusted computer mouse has got to be the ultimate remedy. Although if you want my opinion, the kind of girlfriend who needs a £12,400 computer mouse probably gets more thrills from her PC than any man. Save your cash for heart shaped balloons lads, this is the world’s worst trinket.
More of Hayley's articles can be found here along with a nice photo. If you'd like to avail yourself of one the aforesaid mighty mice then you should try purveyors of high-quality tat Fabstuff.
During the last few days of January, the female of the species becomes overly concerned with grooming and spends more and more time locked away with her hair straighteners.
In the first week of February the condition moves into the acute phase, when she starts to lose control over her voluntary nervous system – this is characterised by excessive batting of the eyelids in conjunction with twisting of the hair between the fingers, usually coinciding with male interaction.
The affliction becomes more severe over the following week until the 14th of February, at which point one of two things happens; either the female is rapidly restored to full health, or she takes a turn for the worse, appearing despondent and withdrawing temporarily from society. The latter is usually combined with the sudden ability to consume inconceivably large quantities of chocolate.
And what is this all leading to? Well, in a particularly scant week for unlikely science news, The Null hunted around and dug up the world’s most bizarre Valentine’s blues cure. Recommended as the perfect gift for a loved one, the “Pat Says Now” diamond encrusted computer mouse has got to be the ultimate remedy. Although if you want my opinion, the kind of girlfriend who needs a £12,400 computer mouse probably gets more thrills from her PC than any man. Save your cash for heart shaped balloons lads, this is the world’s worst trinket.
More of Hayley's articles can be found here along with a nice photo. If you'd like to avail yourself of one the aforesaid mighty mice then you should try purveyors of high-quality tat Fabstuff.
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