Drogba is 'Narcoleptic'

New research has indicated that Chelsea striker Didier Drogba is not a cheating diver, but has a rare form of narcolepsy.

Following claims by Man Utd defender Nemanja Vidic ahead of the tomorrow’s Champions’ League Final accusing Drogba of “play-acting”, Chelsea medical staff have released details of the Ivorian’s condition.

“It is a rare, stress-related disorder,” said club doctor Bryan English. “It is often triggered by Didier coming into close proximity with defenders, causing him to momentarily fall into a deep slumber and collapse to the floor. It is unfortunate that this serious disability has been misconstrued as diving by some opposition players.”

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Chelsea have been unwilling to release details of Drogba’s condition up until this point due to new FIFA regulations that stipulate only two players in a side can be having medical treatment for ongoing psychological problems.

“With Ashley [Cole] in treatment for nymphomania, it means we’re pushed to the limits with these new rules,” said English. “If any of our other high-profile players were to be stricken with a serious ongoing problem, we could be in trouble.”

The new FIFA rules, however, have thrown Man Utd’s plans for the final into disarray. With Ryan Giggs still battling hypertricosis (a condition which causes abnormal amounts of hair to grow all over the body) and Ronaldo suffering from a seemingly incurable case of dancing feet syndrome, Rio Ferdinand, who has suffered a recent relapse of the amnesia that saw him “forget” a drugs test five years ago, could find his place in danger.

“Rio is playing an awful lot of memory games at the moment to try and prove that he fit and ready to take part in the final,” said United manager Alex Ferguson. “He’s just about able to hang on to the alphabet at the moment, so we’re very hopeful.”

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