Strange Things Afoot

By Katelyn Sack, Virginia

Warning! Physicists at Princeton's Institute for Advanced Studiousness have discovered a sudden increase in gravity concurrent with the nearer phase of the Earth's elliptical path around our Sun. They believe this heightened gravity explains a sharply increasing incidence of the following alarming phenomena, which if observed should be reported to your local law enforcement or physics department immediately:

1) Clothes falling to the floor. Shoes and trousers are often the first to go, but bras may display a disturbing propensity to fall out of shirtsleeves as the Earth speeds closer and closer to the Sun.

2) Cats falling to the pavement. All household animals may seem louder during this time of peak gravity, but cats in particular will beg to be thrown promptly out the window during the heat of this rare solar event.

3) Papers falling into the trashcan. Please refer your boss to appropriate experts in astronomy, mechanics, and theoretical physics. During this dangerous time, it is essential that all soul-deadened middle-managers understand it is simply not your fault your assignments won't stay on the desk.

4) Fat people falling off diets. Please refer to your body in that high-school bikini you can still "fit into."

5) Ice-cream falling off cones. This only happens when you are derelict in your ice-cream eating duties. Have you no shame?

6) Time falling off clocks. Despite the widespread transition to digital, this is expected to remain a significant problem in the coming months, as the minute and hour hands alike are pulled down swiftly toward the poles of 6 and 12 (6 + 6). Inconclusive data is leading some scientists to conjecture the end of the world is near, and to encourage their lab assistants to experiment further with observed phenomenon No. 1.

Katelyn Sack is The Wasteful American. For more about ice-cream, cats, and indeed bras, try one of these: